What do you really want?

I didn't want to admit what I wanted.

I didn't want to tell anyone or even speak it aloud, because I was fearful of the judgement, but even more than that, I didn't want to be disappointed.

I felt it was better to not admit that I wanted nice things, to not tell anyone what I truly wanted for Christmas or my birthday or whenever. I felt it was easier to not share than to have someone tell me that something I wanted was too expensive or they couldn't afford it or even worse hope for the thing and then never receive it.

I remember one Christmas as a child asking for only one thing- a very particular sweater from Abercrombie & Fitch. I honestly wanted nothing else and I hoped that because I didn't ask for anything else I would definitely get the sweater. As gifts were handed out Christmas morning, all I could feel was the excitement and hope of tearing through the paper and finding the ONE thing I asked for. Present by present, I felt the disappoint set it. All gifts had been open and no sweater was to be found. It was in that moment, that I resolved to not ask for what I really wanted because I didn't want to be disappointed if I never received it. This early coding led to decades of never speaking up for what I truly desired AND feeling disappointed.

They were not separate.

I felt disappointed to begin with and my fear of asking for what I wanted only compounded the disappointment.

I see this happen regularly with my clients. They struggle to ask for the price the desire, to tell their partner how to love them, to give themselves guilt free self-care, all in the name of not feeling disappointed and all the while feeling disappointed that no one knows what they really want.

As I said to my 12yo daughter a couple months ago, "I can't get it if you don't ask for it. But know that I love you and will do my best to give you what you have asked for."

No one can love me the way I want to be loved, if I don't tell them.

No one will pay me what I want to be paid, if I don't tell them.

No one will communicate to me in a way I want, if I don't tell them.

Does this mean I have scary and uncomfortable conversations with people? Yes, absolutely. But it also means I feel disappointed a whole lot less because we actually understand one another on a deeper level.

If we never ask for what we want, we'll be disappointed every time.